Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
