Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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