why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
