hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
