I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
