I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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