It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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