Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
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