I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Randomize
