Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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