Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
