You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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