I want to have your abortion
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
