I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
