Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
