Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
