Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
