Pappa wants mamma naked
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
