RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Everclear isn't food dammit
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
