i barfeds in our rink
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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