Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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