i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
