Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
