a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
