You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
