I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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