I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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