Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
