My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
