I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
