Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
