VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
