Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
