I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
