Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
