got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
you made out with another girl for some wings
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
