I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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