I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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