I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
