I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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