I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
