God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
