What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
