I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
false alarm, still single
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
