I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
