I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
