I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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