Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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