no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
