life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
