I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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