He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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