o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I believe in your delicious
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
